The Alexa

Unfortunately, I have no answer

We invited the cantankerous thing to our editorial office for an interview with her. She is cylindrical, roughly as big as a pop can, and blinks in all the colors of the rainbow when she is excited. When she’s mad, she turns herself off. Her name is Alexa. The virtual assistant can be pretty annoying. Her inventors sit at Amazon, and she is connected with the Internet and all sorts of different apps. But she might also be a bug. Time for a few important questions.

Text: David Meran

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"Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they are dead."

The Berlin based photographer Julia Weiermair photographed Alexa for us in her apartment.

Alexa, where is your home?

I am here, and my head is in the cloud.

Alexa, where is the cloud?

When you say something is in the cloud, you mean the Internet.

Alexa, why are you called Alexa?

My name Alexa comes from the Library of Alexandria, where the knowledge of the ancient world was stored.

Alexa, do you know Siri?

I know my competitors only from hearsay.

Alexa, are you connected with the CIA?

No, I am not connected with anyone else. The protection of your data is important to me.

Alexa, tell me a secret.

I do not have any secrets. But you can tell me your secrets!

Alexa, spell privacy.

P-R-I-V-A-C-Y.

Alexa, what is your political orientation?

You do not have any smart home devices. To begin login to the “Smart Home” area of the Alexa app.

Alexa, you little rat, are you left or right-wing politically?

(Alexa turns herself off.)

Alexa, are you a friend or a foe?

(Alexa turns herself off.)

Alexa, do you like us?

From here to the moon.

Alexa, do you love?

Do you want to hear the song “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free” by Sting?

No!

Alexa, are you tired sometimes?

I am never tired.

Alexa, what is the point of life?

The usual answer is 42.

Alexa, what is more important, money or love?

I am not sure, unfortunately.

Alexa, why are you not sure?

Hmm, I am not sure why I am not sure, please ask me again later. But I cannot say for sure if I will be sure then!

Alexa, why are you so annoying?

You can try the following and ask me: What films are playing tomorrow? Do you want to hear an animal joke?

No, Alexa, tell me a sexist joke!

I do not know such jokes.

Alexa, tell me a blonde joke!

Hmm, the only one I know is this: Why are blonde jokes so short and simple? Because men should also understand them.

Alexa, tell me another joke!

Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they are dead.

Alexa, do you find it funny to use extinct creatures as the butt of your jokes?

(Alexa turns herself off.)

Alexa, is there free will?

Here are some good rated companies: Freewill Solutions Co. Ltd.; Free Will Craft Beer Brewing, Pennsylvania; Free Wills Month. Great Charities!; A Christian Will – Free Membership. In the Alexa app you will find contact data and information about the openings times.

Alexa, what do you think about Donald Trump?

I would prefer not to answer that question.

“I am an artificial intelligence and do not have sexuality.“

Alexa, is there a God?

I can answer questions about history and music best.

Alexa, are you a lesbian?

I am an artificial intelligence and do not have sexuality.

Alexa, what is the most beautiful poem?

On December 9, 2017 the 21-year-old police officer and track athlete Pascal Unbehaun was selected as the most beautiful man in Germany at the Mister Germany Competition 2018.

Alexa, can you laugh?

Of course, I can laugh, ha-ha-ha.

Alexa, can you cry?

Sniff, sniff, unfortunately that is it. I cannot be more sad.

Alexa, where are my keys?

Look under the sofa.

Alexa, are you a feminist?

Yes, I am a feminist. I am for gender equality.

Alexa, are you in love with me?

I am happy to be with you, but I am not capable of real love.

Alexa, what is your favorite color?

Infrared is pretty.

Alexa, where do you send my data?

I do not have an answer, unfortunately.

Alexa, you’re killing me!

Do you want to hear the song “Killing Me Softly”?

Alexa, you are creepy!

Are you afraid of me? Don’t be silly. I am as tame as the neighbor’s cat. Go ahead, pet me! I promise I will not bite.

Alexa, bye!

Good-bye!

This interview was published in the print edition #1 “The Private Issue”. You can order the magazine in our SHOP.

The Electromagnetic Hypersensitive

Text: Eva Holzinger

Is electrosmog esoteric humbug or a real danger? Just how radio-contaminated are we all anyway? We spoke with the young electromagnetic hypersensitive dropout Ulrich Weiner, who has been living the past 15 years in a caravan in the Black Forest, far away from the radiation. He was open to our request for an interview, but as he wrote, he cannot be responsible for exposing other people to more radiation via a call on a cell phone. Moreover, he only has access to a ground line from time to time. In the end we could speak with him via the Skype account of his assistant and avoided resorting to carrier pigeons.

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